How She Overcame The PTSD From Abuse | Ep 127

Melissa Deally: 00:00:06

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Melissa Deally: 00:01:07

welcome back to another episode of The don't wait for your wake up call podcast. I am here with Kat Polsinelli. Did I say that? Right? Kat Kat? You got it? Perfect. And super excited to have you here cat. Welcome to the show.

Kat Polsinelli: 00:01:26

Thank you so much. You did very well with that name can tongue tie a lot of people?

Melissa Deally: 00:01:31

Well, thank you. And I want to introduce you just a little bit to my audience before we dive into your powerful story. So meet Kat she is a business management and mindset coach podcaster speaker and mother of two boys after overcoming eight years of domestic abuse cat was fueled with passion for empowering others to succeed. And it is that story that you have so generously offered to share with my audience to help others. And because your healing journey is such an incredible story that you do use every day in your life and in your work with your clients. And so please give us a little bit of background as to the cat you were before. And you going through that journey and the cat that you are today because you've obviously grown and changed and you are a different person today because of it.

Kat Polsinelli: 00:02:28

Sure. And thank you so much. I appreciate that. So yeah, gosh, if we want to start with my journey, so I have to say that. And this is something I actually enjoy bringing up with people because I've had a lot of people asked, I didn't fit into the statistics of someone that you would find getting into an abusive relationship. I had a really great upbringing. My parents were actually still together. 40 something years later, I was very ambitious. I had all the things laid out for me all the goals. I was planning on going to college on softball scholarships, and doing choir and singing was actually going to be what I thought was my career. And that actually all changed when I was 16. So at 16, I actually got pregnant with my first son. And it completely changed the trajectory of my life. I actually ended up stepping fully into motherhood at that point in time, change schools graduated early, actually second in my class, President Student Council, and then I started college in the evening, because that's what you're supposed to do, right? You graduate from high school, and you go to college. So I thought I was doing all the things, I started a job that allowed me to take my son to work with me. And unfortunately, you know, due to my family's older upbringing, and being in a stricter Catholic home, you don't know what you don't know when it comes to raising your kids. And so at the tender age of almost 18, I fell into that teenage state of I can do it all and I can figure it out. So I moved out. That actually like landed me in almost a 10 year, abusive relationship. During that time, I actually did have my second son, so I completely diminished myself. So the fun, outgoing, boisterous person that I was completely solitude from everyone. I was very estranged from my family, I got to the point of what I consider now losing my identity. I didn't know how to trust my own thoughts anytime that my ex would say something I would completely take it in and while I fought with myself for a while, what I later realized is it was easier to just intake it and take it as my fault and continue going on my ways. I worked two to three jobs during that time as he stayed home my turning point actually and that was my children. So I still had a very bullheaded, I can handle anything kind of a, a way of being and my abuse was very emotional. In verbal, more than absolutely anything, my waking point to that was when my children came in one evening while we were having an argument. And both of my boys at a very young age, said, Yeah, Mom, why don't you stop doing that it is your fault. And for some reason, that was a lightbulb moment for me that no matter what I could put up with, I could not continue to see my children turning out like this again. And so that started a three year long process of trying to figure out how on earth I was going to get out of an abusive relationship. At the time, I was not allowed to leave or go anywhere, unless he was going with us, I did not have my own car, I didn't have my own cell phone. And so thankfully, I got an amazing job in the medical field, which opened up some doors, my family and I were able to kind of reconnect, and I actually had someone at the medical office that I worked with it is what saved my life. I came in one day with no one knowing what went wrong. And I happen to have a conversation with a client or patient at the time that I knew really well. I also knew that they were in the lawyer department, they worked at the criminal attorney's office and things like that. So she's asking some questions. But apparently, I gave away more than what most people got for me, I was really good at hiding behind a mask, no one knew what was going on. And I was given an ultimatum at that time. And that was either you contact the police or I have to do it for you, because I'm a part of the domestic violence center. And so that changed the trajectory of my entire life. At that point in time, I made that phone call, it scared the living crap out of me. And I started moving forward in that direction. So I moved back in with my parents at the age of 28. My boys were 10 and seven at the time, and I tried to start over, I bought my first car, I bought my first cell phone, I have filed for bankruptcy. And I thought everything was going to be great, aside from all the court things and all the things I had to deal with for about four and a half years. Through that process, I did what I was find a lot of people doing and that was I shoved it all down in a box. And I solely focused on my kids. And everybody else in my life. I did put myself back through school because I was not able to finish my degree. So I would work a full time job, pick my kids up in the evening, help my parents make dinner, whatever was needed, and then at night actually went to school online. So I completed my medical administration degree. When I came out, it was very determined, but I became the bonafide people pleaser for quite a long time. So it wasn't until, oh gosh, a year after that, that I realized something else was wrong. And that's when I started having heart issues. I started having these heavy pieces on my chest. And my doctor actually, that I worked for at the time was taking my blood pressure was like everything was dropping below what it should be. And he's like, You have to go see someone. So I had to go see a specialist, I had to wear a heart monitor the EKG, the whole nine yards. And interestingly enough, the doctor came back and he said, Well, your heart is really great and healthy. And you have 1000 Extra heartbeats within a 24 hour period. So the only thing that we can think of is maybe it's stress. And I was like, I'm not stressed, I'm not in my relationship anymore, I should be fine, right. And then I realized that my body was actually triggered by the one year anniversary of me getting away from my ex. So with all the other things that were going on, that was kind of the first eye opening piece of I may actually need to deal with some of these things, versus shoving them down. I did a great job, put my kids through therapy, all the things, but I never did anything for myself. So I put myself into therapy. And that's when I was essentially diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety. And I was basically told that I had been brainwashed over the eight years that I was in that relationship. That was very hard for me to take in. I did therapy for a little bit. But I felt very boxed in by what my therapist was saying she was amazing. I just had a really hard time opening up and had a really hard time understanding that this is who I was, and like this is what I had to deal with. And that was kind of that was it. So fast forward through that and doing small bits of healing. In the first few years. I got into a relationship, I bought a home, I started doing all the things to rebuild my life. And that's when boundaries came into place, which abruptly got me fired from my medical job. And I took a leap decided to get into real estate. I thought you know, I can spend time with my kids. I can do all the things I've always wanted to do and I can now provide for them a 10 times more than than I could. And so stepping into that world actually really opened my eyes I got to meet some really amazing people and I was introduced to someone that talked to me about manifestation. I was like What on earth is what does that even mean? But I fell in love with that I fell in love with the community that she put me in and I just started learning all the things I learned about Got codependency and I learned about boundaries and people pleasing. And what ultimately ended up happening through that journey was I realized that the person I was currently engaged to, was no longer going to be the person for me, I realized, again, I was doing a lot of similar things that I've done in my past relationship, a lot of yelling, a lot of screaming, very egotistical didn't allow people to have anything to say about me at all. And what I realized is it was affecting my oldest one specifically, who was now hitting his teenage years. And I knew that something had to change. So ultimately, I did the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. And I had to tell someone that I knew really, truly love me that I couldn't be with them anymore. I sold my home to them, because we had moved in their grandmother, and they had a child as well. And I moved back into an apartment, and I started life over again, with my kids. But this time, I had the freedom to stay in my real estate. And I had the opportunities in front of me to really kind of make things the way I wanted to. And lo and behold, my amazing husband today fell into my lap, who has been an absolute blessing. And from there, I have spent the last probably six years really honing in on who I am, who I want to be why I went through what I went through, and understanding that that journey has taught me so much not only about myself, but about other people around me and how emotions affect other people. And that's why beginning my business in the middle of real estate became such a priority because I love watching other people grow. And I realized that through my healing, there are other people out there suffering as well very silently like I did. And we all need someone we can relate to on such a personal level, in order for us to sometimes get over the hump, to get to the next level that's going to take our lives in a 180. Like we've never seen it before. And so that is the platform now that I live by when I take my clients through the journey of entrepreneurship.

Melissa Deally: 00:12:05

And I absolutely love that you do that, and that you have gone through this journey and have the courage to share it with others. Because what you said is so true that there's somebody else out there that needs to hear your story, in your words from your mouth, in order for them to be able to relate to it. And to know that they're not alone, they're not the only one going through this, and that they can get support and guidance. And thank goodness for that person that you are speaking to that even though you could mask it with the general population. This person had additional training. And so that's why they were able to pick up on what the clues that you were unknowingly giving away still thinking you hiding behind your mask. And thank goodness they did.

Kat Polsinelli: 00:13:00

Yeah, oh 100%. It's when I really looked back at my story now that I'm able to separate myself from it and really kind of sated of what exactly what it is. It's just a story. It's just a book in my life. And it's part of the series that I'm creating. I really realized all the small little synchronicities that really were there that I didn't realize until today.

Melissa Deally: 00:13:24

Exactly, and that is one of them. And you often don't see them in the moment. You can see them when you look back with that 2020 vision. Yeah. And it's just like in the moment, you don't have any appreciation or gratitude for why you're going through what you're going through. But again, when you can look back on it with your 2020 vision, you realize that everything is happening for a reason, there is a purpose to this, and you can have gratitude for it. And I know gratitude is a very big part of your life. So I just love for you to share a little bit about that. And how long did it take you to come to that place where you could look back

Kat Polsinelli: 00:14:10

with crowdedness. I want to say it's been almost 10 years since I've been out of that relationship. And I would say probably the last two years, it has really hit me. And I was really able to let go of the triggers the emotions that were tied to it and feel that I was in such a safe space that I knew that that was my calling was to really share my journey with other people. And that's really when I started seeing all of the small things in life and I work on it every day. And it was really interesting in the beginning to you know, be happy for the bigger thing so that we accomplish. But this is something that I always talk about with my clients, as well as being happy for the small things. And when I started learning how to be grateful for the sunshine, or being able to take a hike or spending time with my kids, or having, you know, a simple dinner with my husband, where we had a deep conversation, those are the things that I internalized. And as I was able to internalize that, I decided that I wanted to spread that gratitude to everyone around me. And I started doing that by being in my car, which is really funny, because I used to have road rage. And so what I started doing was, as I would drive down the road, if I saw people that maybe their car was kind of busted up, I would just say I, you know, I'm so grateful for what I have, and I so hope that they get blessed to be able to fix that, you know, if I noticed someone that, you know, got frustrated, I'm like, You know what, I bet they're just having a really bad day. And so I just started being able to separate myself from everybody else's reactions and emotions. And it's been such a piece of clarity for me that now I can just go sit outside in the sun for 15 minutes, and just be grateful to hear the birds and know that I'm by trees. And it's, it's like a sense of peace. It really is. It's just, it's very calming, I still get frustrated at times. But what I have realized is those frustrations, which used to ruin my day lasts for moments, and then I can get back to what I need to do a heck of a lot quicker than I was ever able to do in the past.

Melissa Deally: 00:16:46

And I think that's a really key point, what you've just said is I still get frustrated, we all do. And when it comes to all of our other emotions as well, we are supposed to feel them, they are signals from our body. And you know, sometimes signs like, you know, danger or the you get the fear coming up that, oh, there's danger around that you need to look out for. But what we don't want is just to squash them all down, or completely ignore them. Right. So recognizing this is normal to have these emotions to have this frustration, but to be able to work through them and come out the other side much more quickly. So I love that you said that. And that you know, you can go out and sit in the sun or be in nature because that is so incredibly calming and drops us out of our sympathetic nervous system fight or flight state and into our parasympathetic nervous system. rest and digest state and bring us back down so that we can continue with our day and let go of that. And sometimes that's all it takes is literally going outside and sitting in the sun. If you're enjoying my content, and someone that wants to step into being proactive in your health and learning more,

Melissa Deally: 00:17:59

I would love to invite you to join my membership community. There's a link in the show notes for only 1999 a month, you get access to all of my content. And there's a lot as well as weekly calls that you can come and get your health questions answered. It's truly priceless. I'd love to see you join the community, check out the link in the show notes.

Melissa Deally: 00:18:21

I also love your story about what you would do in the car. And you would kind of look at where people were at and have gratitude for what you have and hope that they would have that too. And something that I love to share is just let go of the judgment of other people. Because we don't we don't live in their shoes. We don't know their story, right? And instead, just get curious. Right? And when you open yourself up to curiosity about others, curiosity, even about yourself, what's going on with you? That's coming from a just a much gentler space where you can be open to kindness versus when is judgement. There's that negative piece to it.

Kat Polsinelli: 00:19:07

Yeah, 100%. And I love that you said that too. Because it's funny, I use that word, so much of being curious having curiosity, because it does open you up to this amazing world where you can view things in so many different directions. And you also can have the sympathy or the empathy for someone else that you now because you've taken yourself out of it recognize that there's something else going on that maybe they're not even aware of. So maybe they've been triggered by something and being through what I went through and understanding a lot of what triggers mean and things like that has really helped to because I'm able to see it and others but being curious has been that has been such a gift and it's it's amazing when you get in that space because even when you're having a conversation The way that you talk to someone comes across completely different. You know, if my husband and I disagree with something, instead of me internalizing it, and they get it something wrong with me, I immediately start asking questions. Okay, well, what does that mean? Well, I'm thinking this. So how is that what you're trying to say. And it's, it's amazing how it allows for this open space where the other person doesn't feel judged, and also feels like they're being heard. And you are able to come to a conclusion, even if you decide to disagree, at a much softer pace, like you're saying, versus being frustrated or irritated or feel like somebody doesn't understand you. And again, there's, there's that sense of peace. And I can't tell you how many times I've been able to resolve conflicts with even people that are highly frustrated, because now I am able to come at it very calmly, not judging them having the curiosity and that it's almost like it freaks people's systems out because they're already in that fright, flight fright, goodness gracious freeze mode. But they're waiting for you to attack them, right. And so when you're able to conversate and stay calm and be very neutral, you can see it on their face, that they're so confused, but then the body wants to respond back slightly different than how they were before.

Melissa Deally: 00:21:30

And it is just that subtle shift. That can be so powerful. Right? So yeah, I absolutely love that. And just when we can enhance our communication, then there is so much more ease and flow in any relationship that we're in and out of fight or flight in order to have that conversation, even for adults to take that timeout, like stop, just take a timeout go and brief. And when once you've released the emotions yourself, come back and be curious, but you've got you've released those emotions, so you're out of that fight or flight state, and then come back and be curious and ask questions. So I love it. And I would love for you to share what other steps or tips that you have for shifting the mindset. So after you were diagnosed with the PTSD and anxiety, and I know you said that was kind of hard for you to take on. But how did you shift your mindset around that in order to be able to continue your healing

Kat Polsinelli: 00:22:38

journey? Yeah, so it started very subtle at first. But what I did was, I made sure that I recognized it. And so when it happened, and instead of trying to rush myself through it, I accepted it for what it was in that moment. And that's when I started learning breathing techniques, I learned the box breathing methods and some of the other things. And so when I would have those, especially the visions, the the PTSD, that was a really hard one for a walk. So what happened when I was driving sometimes down roads that just triggered something. So I would pull over in a safe place, and I would put my hand on my heart and I would close my eyes and just breathe. And instead of being frustrated with myself that it was happening. I just kind of let it flow. And I was like, Okay, this is okay, this is normal. People go through this when they are when they've been in traumatic situations, like it doesn't mean something's wrong. And when I stop being frustrated with myself for being upset, or having panic attacks, or crying when I needed to, and I accepted that it was part of the journey. There was such a weight that was lifted from that because I did come at it from so much anger, right? Every time I got upset every time I had a panic attack it for me it was oh, well, he's this he's still lingering. This is his fault. Right? When I took that out of there and honestly took that power away from him and accepted it as what it was, it started to lessen until it was so manageable that I didn't notice it anymore. And I haven't I haven't had an anxiety attack in gosh, probably six years. It's the only thing I think I have ever had to deal with. Because my ex unfortunately is still in my life kind of at the moment is when there's something that has to do with him. I can feel it in my heart, but it's not a panic attack. But all it does is take a couple of deep breaths to refocus. It's okay I'm in a safe place because I think that was really hard for me to understand for a really long time as I was safe now. It's it's gone within moments and I use that a lot. When I'm stressed in my day when I've got a full schedule and I feel like I'm still behind on things because that still happens. I mean I'm not like all butterflies and it's amazing like I have stressful days, I have days where I didn't feel like I got crap done. And you know, I had a full busy day. But I still do make time to do that breathing to come back to that present moment of where I'm at and remind myself that like, it's okay, this is part of it, this is normal, it's all pass, right and you're safe, like nothing bad is going to happen. And as I was able to create that safety within myself, that's really I believe what helped get rid of the other issues that I was dealing with.

Melissa Deally: 00:25:35

Again, I love everything that you share there, you're just bringing up so many brilliant nuggets, and I'm going to come back and tie some science to it too. And so one of the things that our unconscious mind does is it's responsible for storing all of our memories, and it stores them in the filing cabinet of our mind without any judgment whatsoever. But the next step that is does is it will suppress traumatic memories, until such time that it deems it safe, to bring them forth for the conscious mind to deal with. Which is why your PTSD and anxiety wasn't diagnosed until after you were out of that relationship. And you were back, you know, living at home with your parents, and you got to a place where you were feeling safe, that that diagnosis kicks in. And so you referenced feeling safe a number of times and reminding yourself have that. But your unconscious mind already knew when you were safe to have you start processing all of this. And I just love the power of our unconscious mind. And the fact that it helps us in the moment by suppressing those memories. So we can just get through with our day to day survival. And then allows us to deal with it when they're in that safe place of dealing with it. And then something else that you said too, was taking away his power. So essentially, you were taking responsibility, right? For your part in it. And another word here, that's really key, that's very hard in the moment, but is forgiveness. And you're not forgiving the act or the behavior. But you're just forgiving the entire situation and your role in it as well. So that you can move forward. And that's part of the responsibility for it as well. And until you get to that point, it's very hard to move forward. And so I love how you just intuitively realized that's what you needed to do in order to continue your healing journey. So very, very powerful learning that you figured out along the way. And I love how you now help others through this. And give them these tools so that they don't they can get through it more quickly. Because they're not trying to figure it all out for themselves. Yeah. And that's a really, you know, a wonderful thing to be gifting to someone else. Because unfortunately, there's others that are right right now are right where you were 10 years ago.

Kat Polsinelli: 00:28:23

Yeah, and I've always been a very outgoing, like protective person. Even my best friend that I've known for 20 something years, I was always protecting her or, you know, stepping in front of them being like the Justice server, right. And so it made total sense, once it kind of came full circle, that it was like, Oh my gosh, that is why I went through that I am meant to be the voice for those that are suffering silence, I am meant to have those conversations. For those that it is hard to conversate about I've met so many people that, you know, we're like it's been 20 years, and I still don't talk about it. Nobody really understands like the amount of things that I've been through in like a 15 year span and the amount of trauma I've had and where I'm able to be now. But I do think that that is because I am meant to have those conversations. And I am meant to be that non judgmental person to understand where people are coming from and if sharing intricate pieces of my story allows people to connect. That's all I needed when I was going through it and I didn't have that. So I want to be able to provide that to other people as they go through their journey because yeah, I would love for them to be able to skip years, the things that I had to go through and the stuff that I learned so that they can get on with their life and have it more fulfilled and enjoy more of what they can.

Melissa Deally: 00:29:47

And yeah, what a beautiful gift that you're giving back because that was a tough time. a really tough time in your life that you have come through so beautifully and are now giving back. So thank you so much match for the work that you do. I, I love it, I really love it. And that's why I wanted to have you on the show to share this and inspire others. And there's going to be, you know, listeners that hear this episode that are either in it themselves, or they know someone who possibly is, and they don't know how to help, but they could share this episode. And that would be a powerful way to help. So I love to also ask all of my guests, what does, don't wait for your wake up call mean to you?

Kat Polsinelli: 00:30:33

Goodness. It means when you keep getting those little nudges in your gut, that you want to keep ignoring, don't I, I truly have understood now. And I've learned that when I get certain feelings, I take action on them immediately. If it's someone I'm supposed to call that someone I'm supposed to connect with, if it's something I'm supposed to do with my kids, if I get that really deep down feeling that there's something more I follow it, versus what I used to do, which was completely combated, try to make sense, or call myself a liar and do what I wanted to do anyway.

Melissa Deally: 00:31:20

So true, our intuition is incredibly powerful. And yet another way that our unconscious mind is communicating with us, it, it has all of the answers already, we just haven't been taught through society, how to tap into it. And so those, we all have intuition. And it's a matter to of whether we've practiced tapping into it or not, or whether we tried to reject it and ignore it and fight it like we used to, or recognize this is here again, to serve and to guide me and following it. So love that answer. Thank you, thank you. And if people are listening to this, and they're like, I want to work with her, I need to connect with her. How can people get in touch with you? And I know you've also offered a wonderful complimentary gift as well. So please share that, too. Yes, yes,

Kat Polsinelli: 00:32:19

thank you so much. So the gift actually is journal prompts. And there are actually prompts that I used for a really long time, every single day and every night as a way to reflect back the simplistic things that we should be celebrating every day. And that means if you had a hard night, but you still got up the next morning and make coffee, then congratulations like that's more than what a lot of people are able to do. So my gratitude prompts are really focused on celebrating the small things because it's the small things that we need to be aware of that are going to build that mountain that we're looking for. We can't go searching for it out of nowhere, but we can build it out of the small pieces ourselves. And so that's something that I'm so excited to be able to offer to your audience. As far as connecting with me, I am on LinkedIn, or Facebook, Instagram. But the easiest way to probably get in touch with me is going to be through my website, which is the dash Lotus dash effect.com.

Melissa Deally: 00:33:25

We'll make sure we have all of that in the show notes here for people as well. So the dash Lotus effect.com. So thank you. And I just love to finish up with asking if there's one last tip that you would like to leave the audience if you're speaking to your younger self, what would you like to share?

Kat Polsinelli: 00:33:52

Oh, so many things. Know that it takes time. But also know that it's not your fault. Things happen for certain reasons. And a lot of those reasons we aren't meant to understand in that moment. And the more that you try to figure it out, and the more that you fight it and the more that you try to say why me the more that you're going to stay in the place that you are, if you can lean into letting go and just understanding that there is a reason for it. And all I need to focus on is how I'm going to get through it and start making a plan of action in that direction. You will be amazed at the epiphanies that you will have later and the reasons will come to you why you went through the things that you went through, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you. It's just part of your journey.

Melissa Deally: 00:34:40

Just like those reasons came back to you that you went through it so that you could be here to help and guide others. So thank you so much Kat for the work that you do in the world is so important in today's age, and I really appreciate you coming on the show to share your story, your work, so that we can get it out there and reach more people and to impact positively the lives of people that need it. So, thank you so much. And thank you to my audience for tuning in each and every week listening and being inspired and sharing these episodes of hope and information and education with those that need to hear them.